Since I was a young girl I always loved everything that was creative. I was very involved in the arts in school. I used to love both writing and painting/drawing. There is a big difference between the two for me and how I use them in therapy. I would like to explain the difference for me and how they help me.
With painting or drawing I literally go into tunnel vision and I focus, almost like my mind is going into a trance. Like a meditation. I used to get away from everyday life through painting. I could lose myself for hours. Most teenagers would go out and party. Me, I would stay up all night drinking coffee and paint. Time would stop and nothing mattered until 7:30am came around and I had to leave for school. I used to always share my paintings and other artwork with my teachers and friends. All my life I was actually proud that I would always see my artwork hung up around the school. This let me know that whatever those voids were that I would go into were a good thing.
Below is a Stipple Clover from 2014 (34 hours work).
My writing, though, I kept to myself. It was more personal. I was never the type to sit there and just express what happened in my day to day life through my journal. I used to really lay out how I was feeling, sometimes writing for pages on end. I remember so many times feeling a hundred times better once I did this. Like I just took a weight off my shoulders because I had no one to talk to back then. BPD was not heard of in my area.
Here’s one from when I was 16 years old. Pretty deep stuff I think for so young:
The Fate of Wanting (Nov. 3/1997)
“I once thought that all things in life depended on how bad you wanted it and how hard you worked for it. My heart was innocent to reality. I now see that I was wrong about that part and at the end of a long, hard and painful road of reality. I found the answer….FATE . Everyday people waste their time on wanting . It’s like an inherited habit created by greed. To want something is to destroy the joy of unexpected surprises. I believe that LIFE IS the lesson. We are not here to learn the value of wanting. We are here FOR the surprise of LEARNING. To learn is to grow no matter your height, weight or shape. Knowledge is the fountain of young per say. It IS reality. So instead of sitting around wanting and wasting. Take the walk , but don’t run. Take a look at what you already have in front of you instead of wanting more. To take a mental picture is beauty and value in itself. To stand and take a long blissful look of what is right in front of you. Your fate is, but is not a choice. What you are right now is highly unlikely to be what you will be. Yet destiny is in your hands. To want knowledge shapes destiny. To WANT a destiny is to exert or overkill the joy of life itself. To LOVE life is to seek knowledge. We can’t delay the inevitable and our fate is created by time which will never cease to tick forward and mold the world around us. We have to keep going, flowing with the beauty around us. Ease in with joy and enjoy the beauty around us. Enjoy the intense universe that lies behind your lungs while it lasts, because to FEEL your heart and soul is priceless knowledge and wisdom. It’s FATE .”
This is obviously me reaching out to see the good in life. I sat down a few years ago and read over my journals and the Borderline Personality Disorder really hit me. Beaming out at me through the pages I wrote down years ago. I’ve always written from my heart. It was just surprising to read signs of the disorder long before I knew I had it.
Years later after therapy my words are just as deep but more positive. I have found that writing doesn’t always come easy, but when it does it’s total verbal diarrhea for me. I have to write it down and I have no problem sharing it now. Everything doesn’t have to be a big secret anymore. I understand myself better and if I really open my mind to what my heart is saying, I usually get the message. It just comes out so quickly and my heart goes out to those out there that experience the same thing. Here’s a poem I wrote about a year ago and it totally hits home on how I feel most days about my BPD. It’s quite a bittersweet poem but very positive as well:
That Dark Spot (Sept.4/2014)
It reaches in with all its might,
Its surging, stinging awful bite.
It wraps a shield around your heart,
Knowing it has in store its worst part.
It dulls the mind like no one’s there,
A look beyond a staring glare.
No thoughts in and no thoughts out,
Inside I want to scream and shout.
Mind hears things that aren’t there,
Try to understand, you can’t compare.
I wish I didn’t feel this way,
Not tomorrow, maybe today,
Reach out my mind with all its might,
It’s not over yet, I’m going to fight.
My heart is strong today and now,
Because of her I take a bow.
Today I write and these words I mean,
For all of you who stand by me.
BPD is not a curse,
It’s just a door you go through first!
I really like this poem. I’ve had a lot of great feedback about it as well. I have never really come across any positive poems about BPD. I believe I have to write things down these days to reassure myself where I stand inside. If I can’t find anything positive to say I know that I might be troubled by something. I always resort to this poem to bring me back sometimes.
For someone with BPD I highly recommend expressing yourself creatively in some way. Even if you don’t want to share it. I believe that it’s a direct link to the inner self. A way for you to tell yourself what’s going on and maybe how to understand it even. Creative therapy has helped me by showing me how to let things go internally through creativity. I still use it to this day and recommend it to anyone trying to understand their thoughts.
About Natasha Sinclair
With every recovery, there's a story to be told. Especially with Mental illness. Some of the most remarkable recovery stories come from these individuals. I am one of them. I'm a successful 33 year old Pastry Chef, but I'm also diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder and Addictions Disorder as of 8 years ago. I want to talk about the many aspects of recovery. For years now I have devoted myself to my BPD Website, local guest speaking and a volunteer for local Mental Health events. I would like to share information I have gathered about BPD through experience and research. Positive and hopeful information on BPD is scarce in social media today and should be brought to the forefront like other Mental Illnesses. I would like to offer information both scientifically and medically I have found through research that may clear the air a little bit on Borderline. I feel this needs to be done more. The many different facts that I have discovered relating to human emotions and behavior are mind opening, which are key components to think about when journeying into recovery.