My wedding was this past Sunday (May 17). I had been worried about how I would handle the crowd of people, how I would handle any impending anxiety, the build up, etc. But I am happy to say that I made it through the day without too much anxiety and I actually enjoyed myself. Yes, there were a few hiccups and there were a few anxious moments but I didn’t freak out, didn’t have to avoid people and I was smiling, happy and have no regrets.
My parents, friends and husband are surprised at how stoic and calm I was. I completely surprised myself too. This experience taught me that I am stronger than I realize and by distracting my mind with positive situations, I can handle big events. Maybe also because I wanted to enjoy my wedding, I was able to.
Leading up to the big day, as previously mentioned in another post, I was pestered with questions like, “Are you nervous?”, which of course made me nervous. Why couldn’t people just say positive things to me like, “You must be getting excited,” or, “This must be a happy time for you”? I was also growing weary of people asking me how I was feeling. How was I supposed to be feeling? It doesn’t matter now that it’s over but I wouldn’t be pestering people who are getting married with these questions. I don’t like people telling me how I should be feeling.
It was great on the day of my wedding to receive positive compliments about my appearance – that I can handle (seeing as I have self-esteem issues). We were really lucky to have a great wedding party and such caring friends to surround us. While I have “lost” 4 friends since we became engaged and since sending out the wedding invitations, the wisdom I have gained and the kindness and generosity I have received from other friends has more than made up for it. Those former friends are clearly not people I want to waste my time on anymore.
I am sad now that it is over. I was riding the high for so long and using my energy from my hypomania to get through the past few months. Now what? Will the energy continue? Will I feel “let-down”? We are taking a short trip to New York to get away, and afterwards we will have a few days before going back to work. I won’t have been at work for about 3 weeks. It will be an adjustment. I wonder what my mood will be like.
I am terrible with change, good or bad. I am sure I will feel a little sad and melancholy after my trip and before starting work again, but that is just part of life and part of having mood cycles. I have to accept this reality, and feel comfortable with what happens.
About Melanie Luxenberg
My name is Melanie Luxenberg and I am finally ready to live openly with mental illness. I was first diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder in 2003, which I still experience. At the same time, I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety (which I also still experience), and then briefly experienced Agoraphobia. I have had depression on and off since I was 13 years old. In July 2010 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II. Shortly after it was realized that I experienced rapid cycling. I can experience multiple cycles in a week. Despite my diagnosis, I completed a university degree and then a college program. I have always held stable employment, regularly taken my medication and regularly attended my doctor’s appointments. There have been times of hopelessness, but I have always found support from my family, husband and 3 dogs. I am a law clerk, social media/content writer and of course, mental health advocate. My Twitter feed is full of mental health advocacy messages. I hope one day to see the end of stigma towards mental illness, because stigma has to stop!