I could have told her that she was stunning, but she’d probably think I was trying to compliment her. In reality, it would be difficult explaining to anyone what had just happened to me a minute ago, after I regained consciousness. Her pictures on Tinder were pretty, but seeing her for the first time was epic. And despite a reasonable amount of relational experience with beautiful women through dating, being a bouncer, selling cars, being a personal trainer and through all my gigs of acting and modelling, this was something different.
When looking at her it was as if the impact of her beauty was so jarring that it caused my brain to become discombobulated. It felt like all my senses seemed to have simultaneously dropped whatever they were doing in order to try and hold myself together. I was stunned, literally incapacitated for a second or two, maybe 3 seconds tops. It’s almost as if I had a power outage within my brain while my neurons tried to figure out an emotional response to her beauty while interpreting sensory perception. But it was overloaded and over-stimulated.
Most guys would have just concurred with me that she was a knockout. But for years I’ve known that there was something strange happening to the “energy in motion” within my brain and body when faced with a beautiful woman who showed interest in me—even before I considered myself a DSM-IV-TR specimen with a slew of comorbid disorders. Now that I’ve deduced some of my brain’s workings without bias, I can say that I have some theories of what happened in that moment.
Perhaps there’s something about beauty that causes a brain with AD/HD to focus so intensely on using all of its resources to embrace it.
Is it possible that for a moment breathing actually stops, blood flow halts, the ear drums are closed, and peripheral vision disappears completely? The focus intensifies to the point that there doesn’t seem to be any feeling aside from total disconnect with all living functions. Or is it just that the feelings caused by the emotional response to such beauty is incredibly overwhelming?
Maybe it’s kind of like jumping out of the way of a speeding car after getting a sudden shot of adrenalin—the flight or fight response in order to assist you in saving your life. But instead of adrenalin helping me avoid danger, I experience a sudden shotgun slug of serotonin straight to the brain; my perception of romance and intimacy are so inflated that I’ve convinced myself that she is my soul mate…before she even opens her mouth.
Sitting down I’m like a seasoned fighter who’s literally been pummelled with a flurry of kicks, punches and elbows within the opening seconds of the first round of a championship UFC fight. I’m fatigued, disheveled, and in shock, but through conditioning I’m able to hold it together, masking how badly I’m hurt, masking how incredibly obvious it is that even though we’re “in a match,” I cannot compete at her level. Somehow as I got back into it, I made her comfortable, made her laugh and made her think. We talked for a while and then she caught me again: a compliment slipped out of my mouth and she smiled and looked directly into my eyes. It was as if she took a battering ram to my chest with the “heave-ho” effect of 10 D.E.A. agents breaking down a door en route to seizing enough cocaine to bankrupt a cartel.
And then what happened? Something in the pre-frontal cortex of my brain suggested that there’s no need to remind myself that I just met her a minute ago, and we’d only talked through text for a few days. Logic has just resigned, cleaned out its desk, and left without saying a word to anyone. I imagine glimpses of her in a white wedding dress similar to the one Madonna wore on one of her album covers; I picture her in fishnets, heels and a corset; I imagine being her son’s best friend; I’ve imagined us dating for several months, moving in, watching movies, meeting parents, falling deeper in love and having passionate, euphoric, orgasmic sex; walking through the streets holding hands, doing photoshoots, going for brunch, making a difference in the world and making babies. WE. ARE. A. POWER COUPLE.
So now what? Have I cycled into hypomania as a result of a meeting an incredibly beautiful girl for the first time who smiled and looked me dead in the eye?
Feeling incredibly vulnerable and weak doesn’t even do it justice. It’s a humbling, crippling and humiliating experience. Sure, we conversed intelligently about our past, her son, my work, her old city and my experiences with the fashion industry. But she could have taken me to city hall and I would have said “I do.” She could have touched me on the arm and I would have had a brain aneurism. She pulled me so fast and so far out of my comfort zone that it must be like what a driver with no seatbelt experiences when he gets ejected through the windshield as a result of a head-on collision on the highway, with both cars going twice the speed limit.
There’s so much to someone aside from how they look, but when you literally get high from looking at them, you have to acknowledge you’re at a serious disadvantage.
She is one of the most intoxicating women I have ever met. And even though we had great conversation, ate some food, went for ice cream, held hands, and had an amazing first date overall, I felt as if I had just barely survived five rounds of a fight while being beaten to a pulp with how incredibly beautiful she was. The second date was more of the same, except for our first kiss, which felt like she dropped a grenade full of dopamine down my throat while watching my eyes to see the explosion go off as she licked my lips as if signing her name in my saliva.
Beauty is stronger than strength. Not only can it overpower you, it can make you weak.
About Mickey Von Bron
Mickey Von Bron is a certified personal trainer who specializes in nutrition, supplements and natural methods of improving health and wellness. Having experienced and overcome many obstacles associated with mental health and addiction, he is committed to inspiring people through his own example. His first book, Drug Free June: A Hypomanic Episode, is soon to be published. You can read some of Mickey's other writing about mental health at AliveAndAwake.ca and Light Way of Thinking.