***Viewer Discretion is Advised – Trigger Warning for detailed discussion of suicide/self-harm***

Clarity is knowing that it’ll be a single, brand-new razor blade.  Clarity is knowing it’ll be two long cuts in the same direction as the veins.  The moments after that will be sweet but fleeting.

Going quietly is of the utmost importance.  There’s no need for a commotion or any innocents to be harmed; no additional interruptions of traffic or subway services are necessary.  People skilled and experienced at cleaning up the messy remains of a human being need not be called.  A simple ambulance, a couple of cops and paramedics will be fine.

Clarity is understanding that it’s not a matter of if… but of when.  Clarity is knowing the ending while seeing that there’s still a lot of time left on the clock for the possibility of alternate endings, and the potential for reality to allow anything the chance to happen at any time. Some call this hope.

In many of my posts I’ve discussed suicidal depression as being a big anaconda-like snake that I picture as the image representing anhedonia, which is when nothing gives you any pleasure or motivation. It’s like you’re either being swallowed alive into this nothingness or it’s wrapped around you, constricting you from feeling any pleasure or happiness no matter what you do.   I’ve recounted category 5 hurricanes as tropical depressions where being slammed with wind, rain and total chaos seems to symbolize some of the emotionally turbulent storms I was barely able to weather.  I’ve identified the likes of a Peruvian Death Squad of emotions stalking me and getting ever so close to terminating me with a hail of bullets, grenades or rocket launchers when bad news and bad timing have me feeling like I’m under fire in some sort of botched mob hit where I barely escape with my life.

There’s more, though.  There’s someone new.  The Royal Assassin is what I’ve named him.  Through all of my knowledge, experience, psychotherapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, prayer, following a circadian rhythm, supplements, exercise, nutrition and the ability to persevere through wars against a couple of heavyweight drugs along with alcohol, the ups and downs of PTSD, AD/HD, Bipolar 2, OCD and yada, yada, yada  somehow I’ve found myself in an incredibly vulnerable position without warning. How could this happen to me?

Perhaps while watching out for a group of soldiers posing as civilians, a large snake slithering on the rooftops of buildings and any type of cloud formation that could suddenly become volatile, I’ve felt the equivalent of a gun nozzle gracing the back of my head.

Without the slightest whisper or any inclination towards violence, it’s as if this unseen force just wants to make me aware that it’s capable of undermining my ability to foresee it, detect it, avoid it, or do anything about it at all when it decides to be in my presence. It has no desire for fear or disdain. It’s as if its only ambition is to make me aware that it is not to be cured, rid of or fixed; it’s to be acknowledged and ensured my gratitude for the times it’s not within my presence, where it could have me get up from where I am, leave what I’m doing without raising any suspicions and go to a place where its orders could be carried out, but it doesn’t.

No need to scramble. No need to panic.  This is not desperation. This is awareness.  I will live with its ability to appear in my presence without any warning.  And so I will live life to the fullest, enjoying every moment I can until it or God decides otherwise.

Clarity is knowing that a Royal Assassin could have me taking a single, brand new razor blade to my veins, cutting along the same direction, going quietly without any commotion and making it appear like an unprovoked, preventable, senseless suicide.

Clarity is being aware of what depression is capable of doing despite others’ ability to see it, know it or understand it.

Clarity.

About Mickey Von Bron

Mickey Von Bron is a certified personal trainer who specializes in nutrition, supplements and natural methods of improving health and wellness. Having experienced and overcome many obstacles associated with mental health and addiction, he is committed to inspiring people through his own example. His first book, Drug Free June: A Hypomanic Episode, is soon to be published. You can read some of Mickey's other writing about mental health at AliveAndAwake.ca and Light Way of Thinking.