I am a CSI. Not a real one, but as my life has been enough of a mess to constitute a crime scene (I know my guitar “playing” is, I have a strap that says so), I believe that I deserve the title. The damage done in the past, the damage I have to continuously compensate for and the persistent threat of more damage to come seems pretty criminal to me. The hardest and most integral part of any crime scene though, is figuring out the who the victim AND the perpetrator are. As I am both (I think – I really have no idea ), identity is imperative.
I’m constantly evaluating what I do and say, and when I have done or said something that I believe was not right, or I struggle with my memory or my perception of life’s everyday occurrences, I ask myself, “Was that me?”
“Was that me or my illness? Was that my illness or my meds? Was that me or my meds?” So, I sift through the “evidence” of the incident and try to figure out from whom came that comment, that action, that decision, that dumb idea. I have yet to come to any conclusion.
I ponder and worry like an obsessive CSI, trying to figure it all out in my mind, piecing it together, then shaking my head and tearing it apart to try a different pattern in order to identify who did that and to whom. I never can. I eventually give up, but then the issue returns when ever I am reminded of the incident, or not – sometimes it just pops up and interrupts whatever I am doing, including sleeping (grrrr).
I have been trying to tell the CSI in me to LET IT GO! I tell her that it isn’t any of those victims OR perpetrators – it is all of them, all of the time, all a part of me. THAT is who I am, plus a whole pile of other attributes, talents, faults and traits gained through genetics, environment and experience. Yes, it is a mess, but maybe not so much a crime as I sometimes believe. It is still too hard to fire the CSI, though. I love that stuff!
About L. Song
L. Song is a middle aged professional who has been struggling with Bipolar Disorder II since her teens. After finally being properly diagnosed and prescribed the correct medication at forty-four, she has dedicated herself to helping others who suffer from the stigma of mental illness through her work. To try to make a difference, L. Song supports organizations such as Mood Disorders Society of Canada, CAMH, as well as HMC. As an avid “horse person,” she also follows and contributes to a Facebook page, Riders Against Mental Illness Stigma. She plans to someday work with people and horses in a therapeutic capacity and publish a book about her experiences living and recovering from the disorder. You can follow her story on HMC's Supportive Minds blog.