One of the hardest things that I’ve had to do in recovery learn to let my guard down again. I had to tear down the wall that I had up for so many years sheltering me from anything that seemed like a potential risk.
Once the sexual abuse in my life was exposed, I had no clue how to talk about that. I shut down when people probed me with questions I didn’t want to answer. I became isolated for 15 years until I had a breakdown, regurgitated everything and was diagnosed with BPD. For so long I had been living with a mask that didn’t want to show what was underneath. It’s hard to know when you’re actually ready to take the plunge and let it all out. I found that when I took my mask off and started talking, it came spewing out like lava from a volcano. It didn’t make much sense to me, but it made sense to my doctors. I spent a few years just rambling and justifying why I couldn’t trust anyone. Eventually I began to create a coherent narrative out of my experiences and I realized that there were certain people involved that really hurt me along the way.
I asked myself: Who hurt me? Can they hurt me anymore? If so, why have them in my life? How am I going to deal with what they did to gain closure for myself? How can I take care of myself now that I have dealt with this issue? Can I forgive them for what they have done? How do I forgive them for what they’ve done? Can I trust them any longer? It seemed repetitive but with practice comes perfection. I was looking at life differently.
I started to openly talk to certain close family members that I had issues with and make amends with them. I didn’t always get the response I was looking for and I closed those doors. I forgave them for not understanding what I was really saying and that was good for me. I had been taught through therapy to not expect anything from those you confront about certain things in life.
Four years ago I met someone who I thought I had a good connection with. I started dating him and became serious. Then an incident happened where he started a game of telephone gossip because he was angry one night. Of course this gossip came around to me and I was hurt. Almost every person I know with BPD would run like the wind. Instead, I took a leap of faith and confronted him. He then apologized, corrected the situation and I forgave him. Now four years later we are engaged to be married. I KNOW I would not have been able to do that without the training I received.
Although I have improved so much, I still keep those same questions at the back of my mind. The key is to ask yourself those questions before you react. I’m glad that day that I confronted my now-fiance, forgave and trusted him again because he’s now the love of my life.
About Natasha Sinclair
With every recovery, there's a story to be told. Especially with Mental illness. Some of the most remarkable recovery stories come from these individuals. I am one of them. I'm a successful 33 year old Pastry Chef, but I'm also diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder and Addictions Disorder as of 8 years ago. I want to talk about the many aspects of recovery. For years now I have devoted myself to my BPD Website, local guest speaking and a volunteer for local Mental Health events. I would like to share information I have gathered about BPD through experience and research. Positive and hopeful information on BPD is scarce in social media today and should be brought to the forefront like other Mental Illnesses. I would like to offer information both scientifically and medically I have found through research that may clear the air a little bit on Borderline. I feel this needs to be done more. The many different facts that I have discovered relating to human emotions and behavior are mind opening, which are key components to think about when journeying into recovery.