I’ve talked about being in love while living with mental illness before, and I gave you my opinion on the whole “you can’t love someone else until you love yourself” thing (in summary, I think it’s BS, for a lack of a better word). This time around I’d like to talk more in depth about how relationships and love can make you feel if you have a mental illness.
I’ve always kept to myself when it comes to romantic relationships, I’ve never opened myself up to that possibility of falling in love. Why? Because I always figured I didn’t need someone else to break my heart when I’ve broken my own heart enough times. That’s kind of what living with depression feels like. It’s like you have a broken heart, but most times you don’t know why it’s broken, it just is. The difference is that with a ‘depression broken heart’, you don’t quite get to move on in the same way.
As of this past summer I’ve found someone whom I was willing to let in. My first time being in a relationship. I’ve been the happiest I’ve been in a very long time. But that isn’t to say my mental illness just vanished, because, well, it doesn’t work like that. I’m lucky because my boyfriend is the most understanding and patient person in the entire universe. He’s someone I can talk to about my anxiety and depression. He always knows when something’s wrong. But like everything else in my life I’m having a difficult time with not allowing my illness to interfere with my relationship.
When I was on the bus home from work the other day, I witnessed the purest form of love. A love I never knew I wanted. I watched a little blonde haired girl looking up at her mom with stars in her eyes. And for the first time in my whole life I was able to picture a future. A future that belongs to me, and I realized I want that. I want to build a life, and I want to get past this illness. I want to someday look into the bright eyes that I brought into this world. I want to one day walk down the aisle in a white dress, towards my very best friend. I want to help people who are like myself, and I want a career. And I can finally see it. All because of love.
Love is the single strongest and most important thing we have in this world. It’s something we all share and it makes us all vulnerable. People say that love can destroy you, but I have to disagree. Love will always put you back together.
About Emma Holden
18, tea enthusiast, animal lover, word writer, and wants to change the stigma on mental health one blog post at a time.