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Do you love me?

Whether it’s mirror talk in the morning or self-reflecting at night, this is a trick question I ask myself that’s rhetorical in nature because the answer is always a lie.  And I know it.

A no makes me feel guilty and a yes makes me feel ashamed. Don’t ask me why it’s like this. It’s just the way it is.

Do you love me?  Bipolar is the brother of schizophrenia, and multiple personality disorders are a result of some sort of complicated incestuous relationship responsible for a family of unrelated relatives.  Some of which allow people to look at themselves without bias, or look at themselves as different people all-together.

So when I ask myself, “Do you love me?”  It’s like yeah of course – but not really. And no… but why not?

I’ve talked in great depths to people about the intellectual brilliance and the excruciating motor retardation when dealing with the inability to think, being as ferocious as I am gentle while being completely oblivious and totally aware.  Hot and cold doesn’t do me justice when my intensity is so encompassing that it often leaves me numb.

Enlightenment is awareness.  So sometimes I see too much of me, and it’s disturbing. At other times I don’t see enough of me, and it’s sad. In today’s society some people have evolved to not be cognizant of their emotions and their impact–or lack of impact, so that they can get through the day, get through their life, go with the motions as comfortably as possible, enabling themselves to afford enough pleasure to blind them from realizing they don’t love themselves.   A person’s ability to love themselves is such a serious conflict that most would prefer to believe it’s not even happening. It’s not even relevant.

So when I ask myself, “Do you love me?” I end up getting distracted by something more important and don’t give myself a straight answer.  I’ll disappear into a tangent, reply to a text, peek at my Facebook, grab a bite to eat, do some work, write something, or ponder….Why am I avoiding myself?

About Mickey Von Bron

Mickey Von Bron is a certified personal trainer who specializes in nutrition, supplements and natural methods of improving health and wellness. Having experienced and overcome many obstacles associated with mental health and addiction, he is committed to inspiring people through his own example. His first book, Drug Free June: A Hypomanic Episode, is soon to be published. You can read some of Mickey’s other writing about mental health at AliveAndAwake.ca and Light Way of Thinking.