It’s an unfortunate thing for me to say that I did lose myself in my illness for quite some time. The Natasha “Now” is a very different person than the Natasha “Then”, before I was ill. I look back at that girl. The Natasha that had an apartment with her partner at the time. The Natasha that just had a baby and was switching careers, but not knowing what to switch to or where she was going in life. So lost and so withdrawn from what I didn’t know. So tired from wondering what to do. I see now that my Borderline was on the horizon in life far earlier than I thought initially, dating back to my teens.
I spent so much time wondering, who am I? Then – total darkness. Lost, hurt, angry emotions. I couldn’t have been more withdrawn from finding myself and who I was. Everything just stopped. I felt like I was a broken watch, knowing that life was still ticking on, but I had no more battery power to tick forward. I sometimes look back and wish I could’ve ‘snapped out of it’ earlier, but one cannot rush things that only come slowly in life. I had to start where I left off. It really is true that all the feelings, miles and years seem invisible when you find yourself back where you started from. As if you’ve learned nothing and you are once again the person you used to be.
Then one day after listening to a few people’s stories of recovery, I decided to fight. I felt a glimmer of hope for once. In my opinion, hearing other people’s stories is a key factor in many people’s recovery. Hearing that others have made it is powerful. So one day I had an opportunity to speak myself and I decided to put my story out there. Telling family members of loved one’s who are ill, that it does get better. That their loved one is going to get better. To my amazement, the effect that I had on the group was outstanding.
Yes, I did start all over. Yes, it was as if I had learned nothing in 3 years of being ill, but the new me was on the horizon. A new beginning to go in what ever direction my inner spirit told me to. My gut told me to get better and get my daughter back. I am currently in the process of doing that. As for myself, there are no words that can describe the new me. I have done things that I never knew I could and I have a new found love for things in life that I never had before. I am more patient that I thought, more caring then I thought and a lot more forgiving than I thought. These are qualities that are a part of the “New” Nastasha.
In the last 5 years I have grown in many ways. I have a website, I paint again, I love to garden, I no longer need alcohol to fix my stress level, I smudge, I meditate, I pray more than I ever have, I have forgiven those who have wronged me, I have found love again, I love animals, I am a master Chef and I LOVE MYSELF. These are all things I didn’t have “Then”. It’s funny how many things you find out about yourself that you never knew when you are in recovery. I quite like the Natasha “Now” and I think I’ll keep her for the rest of my life.
In closing I would like to say that I have really enjoyed blogging for Healthy Minds Canada. They have given me the chance to voice my experience with a mental illness which has helped me grow as a person. I always view every life experience as a door and this was one heck of a fun door. Thank you so much for this opportunity. I had so much fun doing it !
About Natasha Sinclair
With every recovery, there's a story to be told. Especially with Mental illness. Some of the most remarkable recovery stories come from these individuals. I am one of them. I'm a successful 33 year old Pastry Chef, but I'm also diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder and Addictions Disorder as of 8 years ago. I want to talk about the many aspects of recovery. For years now I have devoted myself to my BPD Website, local guest speaking and a volunteer for local Mental Health events. I would like to share information I have gathered about BPD through experience and research. Positive and hopeful information on BPD is scarce in social media today and should be brought to the forefront like other Mental Illnesses. I would like to offer information both scientifically and medically I have found through research that may clear the air a little bit on Borderline. I feel this needs to be done more. The many different facts that I have discovered relating to human emotions and behavior are mind opening, which are key components to think about when journeying into recovery.