So it’s been a rough couple of weeks.

Not only have I had to face the fact that we have decided to close our family run store after almost 11 years (it feels a little like losing my safety net), but I am now also having to deal with the grief that comes with losing a loved one.

Not easy for someone living with a “normal” brain – absolutely brutal for someone with a brain that’s a little off.

There have been moments where I’ve felt like my brain is screaming at me, and I’ve had to fight off a bunch of ‘maybe’ thoughts just to make it through the day…Maybe I’ll just stay in bed and pull the covers over my head instead of going to the store. Maybe I’ll just sleep through my entire day off. Maybe I’ll just avoid other people like the plague. Maybe I’ll just stay in my pjs, curl into the fetal position, and rock for a while. Maybe I’ll run away from home. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll stay in the shower for the rest of my life.

But then, I go to work. And get out of bed on my day off. And go out with my friends. And put on my big girl pants and do the things I need to get done. And I don’t just keep driving until I run out of gas. And I get out of the damn shower.

Because that’s what I have to do. No matter how awful things are, or how terrible I feel, or how much I’d rather just shut down and not deal with anything. I have to remind myself how hard I’ve worked to get where I am, and how long it’s taken me, and how much I love the life I’ve made.

And I put one foot in front of the other, and just keep moving forward.

 

About Jessica Wilson

My name is Jessica Wilson, I’m 35 years old and single. The single is (mostly) by choice, the 35 is not. I am mom to 5 furbabies, have become an avid runner, and own and operate a small business. I’ve been dealing with mental illness for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety in my early 20’s, and continue to struggle with it or manage quite well, depending on the day. It very obviously runs in my family – my grandmother was bipolar, and mental illness can be traced back at least 3 generations on my maternal side, in various forms.

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