On the night of September 5, 2013 I went for a walk up Yonge Street. I was unemployed. I was anxious, sad and confused about what was going to come next. Fall is always the worst time of year for my Depression. A chance encounter with a phrase from my past spurred me to write my first blog post about my Bipolar Disorder. And life changed for the better.
That first night I built a simple website, and put my story of pain but also humour out to the Internet. I was blown away by the amount and the sincerity of responses I received.
The last two years have been filled with some tremendous highs. These have come in the form of new friends, new love and a sense of purpose. At times I was productive, busy and full of confidence. But there have been dark days as well.
Tonight I was walking up Yonge Street again. Again, I am unemployed. I am anxious and sad thinking of what will come next. The last few months have contained some never felt before lows. I haven’t been this sick, for this long since my first episode, a decade ago. I am struggling with how to make sense of the purpose I have found through writing and speaking about my illness. Struggling to find what shape that purpose will take next.
However, I am confident that once again, life is about to change for the better. Two years ago I found humor in a story from the early days of my illness that had long broken my heart, and the world responded. Last week I delivered a speech on how as an advocate I am always searching for the silver lining in an illness so closely associated with darkness. The two feel similar, they feel connected somehow.
I had been walking tonight for quite some time before I made this connection. When it came to me a sense of calm grew; the anxiety abated a little and the sadness retreated.
An old saying of my mother’s came to me: “Everything works out in the end. If it hasn’t worked out, it isn’t the end.”
Something good is coming. I can feel it.
About Sarah Lindsay
Sarah Lindsay is in her mid-twenties and lives in Toronto with her boyfriend and their dog (who also has some anxiety issues). Sarah was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2005 at the age of 16 and is still trying to figure it out. Follow Sarah’s story on HMC’s Supportive Minds Blog, or additionally you can follow her on Twitter, Facebook or check out her new website: SarahsMoods.com