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It’s currently 4am as I’m writing this; I’m not able to sleep very well these days. I find myself waking up throughout the night, and not being able to fall back asleep. Just another frustration with mental illness, and the medications that come along with it.

It seems I’m always one extreme or the other, sleeping too much or not at all. I prefer the too much because I love my sleep. I haven’t been able to think of much to write about since my last post about being diagnosed with bipolar. Mostly because it’s back up in the air again. While it seemed like that’s what it was, it has become more significantly more clear since then that it is in fact not what I’m dealing with. I’ve been so frustrated and upset. I honestly just want to know what is wrong with me so I can properly begin to heal it.

It’s discouraging to receive help when help is really difficult to come across. I’ve been all over the place and yet nobody seems able to actually give me what I need, which is for them to actually listen to what I’m saying. I recently went to an orientation at the hospital to see if CBT would be effective for me. I had waited weeks to see a psychiatrist who then referred me to this program, three months of waiting for the actual orientation, and once I got to this program they told me that it wouldn’t even be effective for what I’m dealing with. So my question is, what am I dealing with? CBT is therapy that aims at people who suffer from depression, anxiety, OCD, and bipolar disorder. The counselor told me I’m dealing more with an emotional dis-regulation which is on the borderline personality disorder (BPD) scale. They referred me to another kind of therapy, DBT, and I have to again wait months for an orientation.

The problem is I need help now. And seeing a million different people really isn’t helpful. You have to start all over again, re-explain yourself, and get comfortable with a new person. Contradictory to the fact that I write these blog posts, I actually hate talking about how I feel. It’s hard.

I’ve always been a sad person. I have this photo saved on my phone that says, “I’m a sad soul with a happy personality.” Sometimes I think people forget that because I have a happy personality doesn’t necessarily mean I’m a happy person. The lack of help from healthcare makes me feel like I’m not important or sick enough to receive it. It’s like I’m on this permanent wait list. I’m so tired of waiting. I want to start feeling better. And everyone keeps saying I will, but when? When will they listen, and start doing what they say? I understand that we lack mental health care and that so many people deal with it. But I’m sick and my thoughts are clouded so it’s difficult to understand sometimes.

Referrals seem to be the easiest thing. That’s not what I need. I also can’t afford to see a counselor every week for $100 a session. Nobody calls back, or has availability. I only feel worse. One blessing I’ve come across is a crisis line, but talking over the phone is different and is only good for temporary relief, while I need long term.

I guess the fight just keeps going, and I just keep going. Exhausted, worn out, and let’s talk about how my posts have changed significantly over the past months. I can actually see the decline in my state of mind. I was so positive about going forward and opening up about my struggle, and about reaching out for help. But lately, well, I’m seeing the reality of my mental illness.

All I can do now is be patient, and try my best to keep holding onto that glimmer of hope.


About Emma Holden

18, tea enthusiast, animal lover, word writer, and wants to change the stigma on mental health one blog post at a time.

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