worth it

There comes a turning point in everyone’s journey where they have had enough. Mine was four years ago. I couldn’t handle the misery any longer and I was willing to do whatever it took to get my life back. At this point I had driven myself into a small room, I was very ill and I thought that this was it for me. Boy was I wrong.

In that room I had a breakthrough. I was on probation at the time and I had to follow their rules. I did complete it and was let go but that experience sparked something in me – a constant internal thought that I didn’t want to give up on my daughter. She WAS my turning point. Being able to keep in contact with her was what I held on to and my mother helped me achieve this, which I thank her for to this day. It was my little glimmer of hope that things can get better.

Over the next few years I changed completely inside. It was like I was a whole new person and I had found my true self again. That was what amazed me about recovery. I found the painter in me again , I’ve found I love gardening, I love to write and I have found the spiritualist in myself. I have heard this from quite a few people about themselves as well. Recovery changes the “us” within.

I finally started researching my diagnosis, Borderline Personality Disorder, and I must say, most of what I found was sad. I’m still not sure if the information I was finding was actually sad, or if I was just sad for myself. Maybe both. It took a few years of hardcore therapy and medication before I started feeling better. I immersed myself because I found if I kept busy, I could control my impulses better. I have a very busy mind. I think about everything I’m feeling. It was tricky getting a hold of my emotions, but I did.

Today, sometimes I just sit and have a cry and then remind myself , I feel deeply, and that’s a good thing. I’m a very caring person. These are skills I gained from recovery. Anyone with BPD needs to remind themselves that they are really loving people. The best kind in the world in my opinion. You may have strong emotions, but once you harness them, I swear life gets a lot better.

I don’t need therapy any longer. I wouldn’t hesitate to go back if I did, but I think that I’m pretty strong at this point. Borderline has come into the limelight in a more positive way. My website,  www.mymindonborderline.com, is there as well and will be for a very long time to come. It presents a more positive outlook on BPD and supportive videos to look at things in a different way.

At this point my emotional reactions have become much less extreme and it feels so much better inside. My thought process is very different. Instead of freaking out about a situation, I take it in and really process it. I learned that from Miss Marsha Linehan. Practicing her skills helped me harness my emotions and after a while I watched myself change. I told myself that little room wasn’t for me; I didn’t belong there. I never looked back after that. I kept repeating the same phrase over and over in my mind, and it might help you too. If you feel like you can’t, just say to yourself…

can

 

About Natasha Sinclair

With every recovery, there's a story to be told. Especially with Mental illness. Some of the most remarkable recovery stories come from these individuals. I am one of them. I'm a successful 33 year old Pastry Chef, but I'm also diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, Anxiety Disorder and Addictions Disorder as of 8 years ago. I want to talk about the many aspects of recovery. For years now I have devoted myself to my BPD Website, local guest speaking and a volunteer for local Mental Health events. I would like to share information I have gathered about BPD through experience and research. Positive and hopeful information on BPD is scarce in social media today and should be brought to the forefront like other Mental Illnesses. I would like to offer information both scientifically and medically I have found through research that may clear the air a little bit on Borderline. I feel this needs to be done more. The many different facts that I have discovered relating to human emotions and behavior are mind opening, which are key components to think about when journeying into recovery.

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