My thoughts are like this endless game of dominoes. One thing falls and crashes into the next in this ongoing chain that’s connected, but not entirely. I often find myself trying to dig deeper into why I feel certain things. As I lay here in bed I feel this overwhelming disconnectedness from the world. Alone, almost, even though I know I’m not. This is something I’ve been struggling with for a while now, and I’ve finally started to see why I am this way.
I guess I’ve always had trouble with not feeling like I was wanted. And so now, I crave the feeling of being needed or wanted. If I don’t feel that way, it destroys me. I get stuck in my head, and I rip myself apart. It’s definitely not healthy, because it’s not realistic for everyone in my life to be constantly reassuring me, and because the smallest, slightest things can trigger this horrible feeling that I hold in my chest.
I’m always convinced that when people are looking at me they’re seeing somebody else – a better friend, a better sister, a better girlfriend, a better daughter, just a better person. But nope, they got stuck with me. Ironically, I begin to isolate myself from people. I’ve thrown away friendships because of this. I realize now that maybe losing people who don’t make effort to make me feel like they want me in their life isn’t such a bad thing. Rather than dwelling on these things I’m beginning to see that I deserve to be surrounded by people who support me, and put in equal effort. Currently, I have that. I’m happy with that. It doesn’t mean I’m cured of my fears, but I’m starting to get past them.
As I’ve talked about a lot recently, I have entered a new relationship. One that has changed my life completely, in the most wonderful ways possible but has also highlighted some of my own anxieties. Because of the past and what happened between my parents I have this underlying fear of being left. I know that I’m with this incredible man who would never intentionally hurt me, but the thought still lingers in my mind. How could anyone actually want me? I watched my mom go through so much. How can you be with someone for so long and then all of a sudden they change their mind? With my parents, addiction was a contributor to the downfall. They got through it, but it broke my heart. And I can’t imagine being in that position. It terrifies me. For all these years I avoided letting anyone in because I know how attached I get, and I couldn’t imagine putting so much trust in anyone after witnessing my parents’ relationship. But there was no stopping this one. I’m in love. I’m scared, but I’m in love. For the first time in my life I can say that I trust somebody completely.
But now it’s myself I have to get past. I need to learn to accept that I can be loved and wanted, and that I am in fact loved and wanted. I just always know deep down that minds change like the weather. But I guess there isn’t any point in dwelling on it.
About Emma Holden
18, tea enthusiast, animal lover, word writer, and wants to change the stigma on mental health one blog post at a time.